Im sure you’ve been wondering where #PYMAffirmations has been the last two weeks right? Well… I drew the #forgiveness card 2 weeks ago and its been sitting in my purse and laying around taking a beating. Staring at me daily to address. I had a really hard time putting my feelings together about the subject matter. I felt almost fraud-like writing about something I may have not fully grasped myself. I realized what I thought was forgiveness was actually pushing back and locking away certain emotions and memories. The art of subconsciously tucking away those things as if they didn’t exist.
So I took it upon myself these last couple weeks to think of anyone I may still harbor some unsettling emotions with. Someone who may have hurt me and really seeing if I genuinely forgave them. I realized I was still holding on to some feelings. Definitely not as intense as they were at a certain point , but you know whats crazy.. it wasn’t towards the person that hurt me… it was towards myself. I needed to FORGIVE MYSELF.
I felt embarrassed. I felt ashamed that I let someone take me out of my element in those moments. I actually put away those memories and emotions because I didn’t like how they made ME feel. I wasn’t ready to face and forgive myself. I didn’t want to hold myself accountable for my contribution of the damage done.
Re-visiting certain things made me sad. Some made me angry. And thats a good thing… I forced myself to go through the motions. With time things often make more sense. Emotions have settled by now so its easier to objectively look at a situation and see it for what it was.
Although theres no one in my life I wish ill will – i erased some people from my life physically , mentally , and emotionally as a protection method. All that did was put a temporary bandaid on the road to closure. Thats no good. I revisited some of the most hurtful situations and reminded myself to be kind to myself first and foremost. That I’m human and humans make mistakes too. I honestly have forgiven anyone thats done harm to me .. so why wasn’t I forgiving myself yet?
So here I am , 2 weeks later. I didn’t allow myself to pick another card and forced myself to address the situation. Im glad I did. The road to closure isn’t easy and straight. Its layers to this shit. lol. I guess the last layer was recognizing that I just have to forgive myself. My magic is my ability to move on and forgive others.. I just need to apply it to myself.